Super Mario Mythology
by SandwichesHinderProgress
Summary: An epic live-action re-imagining of Mario's first adventures as he fights an ape in New York City and fights Bowser's army to save the Mushroom Kingdom.
1. A Normal Day

1981

Every hero starts off small and seemingly insignificant. This is the beginning of an epic story concerning a certain working man who was not very well-known among the many people in the city that he lived in. His name: Mario Mario. One day, like others, he was working on a New York apartment with other carpenters. He wore white overalls and a white hat whenever he did this job. He always wore a red shirt. His black mustache distinguished him from the rest of the carpenters.

"Almost time to clock out," one of his co-workers said.

"Good," Mario said.

Mario hammered one last nail before he put the hammer in his toolbox.

"Eager to go home?" one of the other workers asked.

"It's March 11th," Mario explained. "This is one of the days that I look forward to."

When it was time to leave work, Mario drove to the apartment that he shared with his twin brother Luigi. He walked into the apartment and saw a chocolate cake on the kitchen table. Luigi walked into the room wearing the blue overalls, green shirt, and green hat that he always wore to work.

"You picked out a great one, Luigi," Mario said.

"It was a tough choice," Luigi said. "It was between that and cinnamon. I think we will have cinnamon next year."

Mario cut out a slice of cake and put it on his plate.

"Did you ever think that you would be working as a plumber by the time you were twenty-three?" Mario asked.

"The job has good pay, Mario," Luigi said. "In this town, we could really use the money. This apartment is more expensive than the first one we were in when we came from Italy to America."

"If we need the money, then I could have a second job as a plumber. You could show me how to…plumb."

"Will you be okay?"

"I get tired being a carpenter. Being a plumber might add a little spice to my life. Right now, it is just the same thing every day. It's Wednesday, and I can't wait for the weekend to come so that I can rest."

"Mario, are you really gonna be okay?"

Mario thought for a moment.

"I don't know."

"Because I do not want a brother who gets so bored that he does drugs and gets himself killed."

"I'm not doing drugs, Luigi. The people who do drugs are losers."

"You better remember that, Mario."

Mario cut out a slice of cake for Luigi.

"Can you just stop talking about drugs and eat that?" Mario asked.

Luigi accepted the slice.

"It may take a while," Luigi said, "but things can get better."

"I do not know what I would do without your optimism, Luigi. I do not think that I will ever move out."

"Is that good or bad?"

"Right now, it looks like it could go either way. I am just enjoying the birthday cake right now."

The two brothers sat down and ate their pieces of cake. They each drank chocolate milk.

"Mario, milk mustache," Luigi said.

Mario grabbed a napkin and wiped the milk off of his mustache.

"Hate it when that happens," Mario said.

"Want to see what's on TV?" Luigi asked.

"Okay."

The twin brothers went to the living room and started flipping through channels.


	2. Hanging Out and Working Out

The next two workdays passed by. On Saturday, Luigi and Mario were on their way to the local bar that they hung out at every weekend for the past two years, the drinking age being twenty-one.

"A nice cool drink would do you good," Luigi said. "Don't drink too much, though."

"When do I ever drink too much?" Mario asked.

"Last week, Valentine's Day, New Year's Eve..."

"Is that Spike?"

Luigi looked at the man that Mario was pointing at in the distance. It was Spike Black. He was a construction worker who usually wore a white shirt, blue jeans, and a yellow construction hat.

"I hate that guy," Mario said. "He's always being annoying and telling dumb jokes when he's drunk."

"I don't think I've ever seen him without that yellow hat," Luigi said.

"I don't want to hang in the bar with him."

"We can just sit far away from him."

"No. He'd just come up to me and ask me to pay for a beer. I'm not spending my money at the bar today. I'm gonna hang out somewhere else for a change. Maybe there."

Mario pointed at the building that was across the street from the bar.

"The gym?" Luigi said. "Since when do you want to go to the gym?"

"I'm getting chubby," Mario said. "You are thin. You would not understand."

"I'm not that thin!"

There was traffic in the street. Mario ran across the street, jumping to avoid the cars that were passing by.

"Watch where you're going, frog!" a driver shouted.

"I'm Italian, asshole!" Mario said.

"You almost killed yourself, Mario!" Luigi yelled.

"I'll be faster within a few months," Mario replied.

Mario saw Luigi shake his head before he went to the bar. Mario entered the gym. He lifted weights and punched a punching bag most of the time. He loved to pretend that the punching bag was Spike.

"You think I care that you're better at Poker than me? You wanna get in a bar fight? Boom!"

He punched the punching bag with extreme force. Hours later, Mario walked out of the gym and saw Luigi waiting outside for him.

"How was it?" Luigi asked.

"It was great!" Mario said with a smile.

Mario went to the gym again the next day. Then the next day. He thought about going to the gym on St. Patrick's Day, but Luigi would not allow it.

"You need a break," Luigi said.

"But I love this place," Mario said.

"Let's go to the bar. It's St. Patrick's Day. You haven't been pinched all day because I let you borrow one of my shirts. You owe me."

"Okay. There's no need to whine. I'll go to the bar."

When they entered the bar, they noticed that Spike was wearing a green suit.

"Check out the suit, fellas," Spike said. "You brothers wouldn't be able to afford this baby. You've only got those shirts that make you look more like identical twins. All that Mario's missing is the hat. And his overalls need to be blue instead of white."

"I only have one hat," Luigi said.

"How did you afford it?" Mario asked.

"I made a bet and won."

"Was the bet that you could be obnoxious for many hours straight?"

"Actually, the bet was that I could operate the crane drunk."

"There's a surprise."

"You got a problem, Mario?"

Spike stood up and faced Mario. Mario wanted to punch him so bad. He controlled himself.

"Beer, please," Mario said to the bartender.

"That's right," Spike said. "Back down."

Mario and Luigi sat down and drank together. Mario did not want to fight Spike just yet. He wanted to wait until he was as strong as he could get. Only then would he be able to give Spike the right amount of pain that he deserved.


	3. Pauline

For the next three months, Mario continued working out in the gym. He did not go out drinking with Luigi as much as he used to. Every time that Mario came home after a day at the gym, Luigi would see a smile on his face.

"Good workout at the gym?" Luigi asked.

"Yes," Mario said.

"Better that you're doing that than having pre-marital..."

"Luigi!"

One June day, Mario was punching the punching bag like he usually did. It was yellow, like Spike Black's construction hat.

"What's that Spike? You want me to stop? I'll stop punching when you stop...talking!"

After a hard punch, Mario heard a voice.

"Couldn't think of a better comeback?"

Mario turned to his right and saw an attractive brown-haired woman. He examined her face.

"Don't I know you from somewhere?" Mario asked.

"Maybe you've seen me on one of the billboards," she answered.

"You're Pauline Dawson!" Mario said. "You are that actress who's in plays."

"I dye my hair blond whenever I perform. Some people don't recognize me with my natural hair color."

"But I bet there are people who recognize that pretty face."

Pauline smiled and giggled.

"So what did that punching bag do to you?" she asked.

Mario looked at the yellow punching bag.

"Nothing. It's just this guy I know. He's a pain."

"And you want to give him pain?"

"Well, I want to. I don't know if I really will have a big fight with him. I might just give him a slap in the face one day."

"The way you're working out, he'll feel a lot of pain either way. That is, unless he's also a strong guy."

"He doesn't look strong. Not chubby, but not a lot of muscle."

"Looks like you've been building quite a lot of muscle."

Mario felt so flattered that he did not know how he should respond. He just stared at her for a few seconds, feeling like an idiot. Pauline, however, thought that his look was cute.

"Are you gonna be at this place often?" she asked.

"I've been here often for three months," Mario answered.

"Then you can count on me being here often."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I don't see anything wrong with the two of us exercising in the same gym. Not wrong for us to see each other once in a while."

"That would be nice."

"All right. Well, I'm done for the day. What is your name."

"Mario."

"Last name?"

"Mario."

Pauline laughed.

"I asked for your last name that time, silly."

"It's my first name and my last name. Mario Mario."

"Oh. I'll just call you Mario."

"I wouldn't expect you to call me by my whole name."

Mario felt like his statement may have come out sounding like an insult. Luckily, Pauline did not seem to think so.

"Okay, Mario. I will see you around."

Mario watched Pauline as she walked away from him.

"Okay," Mario said, automatically wishing that he had not.

Mario punched the punching bag a few times out of happiness.

"My life is definitely getting less boring," Mario said to himself. "I think I'm in for a great summer that not even Spike Black can ruin."


	4. A Family of Apes

Meanwhile, in another world, apes were living their everyday lives. These were not ordinary Earth apes. These were apes who could speak. They were ruled by a strong leader. His name was Donkey Kong, and he resided in a wooden house that was built on a tall tree. He lived with his wife Wifey Kong and their youngest son Donkey Kong Jr.

"Junior!" Donkey Kong said. "You're brother is here to visit!"

"Let him finish his bananas," Wifey said.

Donkey Kong opened the front door of the house and saw his oldest son, Didacus. He was accompanied by the female ape he loved and recently married, Kira.

"Hi Dad," Didacus said.

"It's great to see my boy," Donkey Kong said. "Kira, how are you doing?"

"Great! We actually want to talk to you guys about something."

"Come on in," Wifey said from the dining room.

The ape couple walked inside and took their seats.

"So what did you want to talk about?" Donkey Kong asked.

"We think we want to add another member to the family," Didacus said.

"I think that that's a great idea!" Wifey said. "Do your parents know about this, Kira?"

"We already talked to them," Kira said. "They are thrilled about being grandparents."

"Grandparents," Donkey Kong repeated. "I must be getting old."

"Wait, they are gonna have a baby?" Junior asked.

"Yes, little bro," Didacus said.

"Where do babies come from?"

The four adult apes were silent for a moment. Wifey looked at her husband. He felt uncomfortable explaining this to their younger son. He glanced at Didacus, causing his older son to begin explaining.

"Well, when two apes like Kira and I are in love..."

"Don't use our names in the explanation," Kira told her husband. "It's embarrassing to have him know what we want to do."

Just then, the family heard a noise.

"What's going on out there?" Donkey Kong wondered.

The family went outside and looked down from the tree. They could see an army of yellow turtle-like creatures wearing green shells and iron helmets. Each of them wielded steel swords and shields that looked similar to their shells. They cut down various plants that were in their way.

"I've heard of these," Didacus said. "These are Koopa Troopas."

"Stop attacking our jungle!" Donkey Kong ordered.

"We only take orders from our king," one of the Koopa Troopas said.

"I am the king of this jungle! Apes, defend our home!"

Apes rushed down from their trees to defend their forest. Each of the Koopa Troopas swung their swords at the apes. The blood that was being bled was visible from high up in Donkey Kong's tree.

"It's not fair!" Junior said. "They have those shiny spears!"

Didacus climbed down from the tree.

"Didacus!" Wifey said. "Be careful!"

"I'm coming with you!" Kira said.

When Didacus and Kira got down to the ground, they pulled shields away from two Koopa Troopas and swung their fists at them before they could strike. They were surrounded by the rest of the soldiers.

"Let them go!" Donkey Kong said as he climbed down from the tree.

"Take them hostage!" one of them said. "They are dear to the ape king!"

The soldiers did their best to restrain the couple. It was impossible to take them away without dealing with the struggling. Kira lifted her feet and kicked one of the Koopa Troopas in the head. She was still restrained. A dozen troops pulled the couple away from the Kong tried to follow, but half a dozen troops pushed him back with their shields. One of them went as far as to hit him in the head with a shield. Donkey Kong felt dizzy as he swung his fists at a few Koopa Troopas, knocking them out. The swords that were aimed at him missed. He jumped onto one of the Koopa Troopas and took a sword. He began using it the way that the Koopa Troopas used it. Soon, there were three Koopas covered in their own blood. Donkey Kong ran in the direction that he saw his son and daughter-in-law get taken away to.

"Find shelter, Wifey!" he shouted. "Protect Junior!"

Koopa Troopas tried climbing the tree that Wifey and Junior were on. They were unsuccessful. One of the Koopas fell off of the trunk and landed on his back.

"I can't get up! Pull me up!"

Wifey held Junior close to herself.

"We have to get out of here," she said to Junior.

"What about...?"

"Your dad will find Didacus and Kira. Right now, we have to go somewhere safe."

Wifey and Junior went from vine to vine so that they could get away from the Koopa Troopas.


	5. The Deal

Donkey Kong ran about a mile away from his house. After he passed a large boulder, he saw the group of Koopa Troopas that had taken Didacus and Kira away. The two of them were in the back of the crowd. Donkey Kong ran towards them.

"It's a trap, Dad!" Didacus said.

As Donkey Kong got closer, a group of Koopa Troopas climbed down from vines that hung from the trees. Donkey Kong was surrounded by swords pointed right at him.

"Leave us alone!" Donkey Kong ordered. "This is no way to treat a royal family!"

"Kah-ha! Kah-ha! kah-ha!"

The laugh was coming from the top of a large rock. Donkey Kong looked past the Koopa Troopas and saw a Koopa that was twice the average size. He looked more menacing than the troops. He was a reptile with a yellow body and a beige snout with teeth sharper than those of any Kremling that Donkey Kong had ever seen. This was a king who wore a red fire-shaped crown on top of his horned green head. His wrist irons and shoulder pads were painted black and contained shiny spikes. His claws were almost as sharp as the spikes that were on his tail. His green shell contained what appeared to be sharp teeth from some sort of animal that may have been conquered long ago.

"All hail King Koopa!" the Koopa Troopas said as they rhythmically moved their swords up and down.

"Yes, servants," the king said. "Silence so that I may speak to this damn dirty ape!"

"Dirty? You dare to call me dirty!"

"You there!" King Koopa said to one of his soldiers. "Pick up some mud and smear it all over that ape!"

"As you wish, my lord!"

A Koopa Troopa did just as his leader ordered. Others held Donkey Kong back as his fur was made darker and smellier.

"Stinky, dirty ape!" King Koopa taunted. "You call yourself royal? No naked beast can be royal! I am the worthiest ruler!"

"Leave our home and seek what you want elsewhere!" Donkey Kong demanded.

"But what I seek is a tropical paradise. I found another one during a sea voyage a little while ago, but it was uninhabited. What it was missing was slaves."

"We will never work for you, Koopa!"

"That's King Koopa! And you will work for me if you want these two to survive."

Donkey Kong looked at Didacus and Kira. They were helpless.

"Is there no way that I can bargain with you?" Donkey Kong asked.

"There may be one way," King Koopa said. "What this island does not have is a delicacy. Bananas may as well be ape feces. And apes are too furry and unsanitary. What I have an appetite for is human meat. Preferably a soft, good-looking female. I want it, but you'll never get it for me. You'd have to get across the ocean's water to get to the Mushroom Kingdom."

"But if I do get a human female, will you leave us alone?"

King Koopa laughed.

"Sure. It is a deal. And you must bring her alive."

The Koopa Troopas took Didacus and Kira away. They were placed in a nearby cage on a wagon. As soon as they were pulled far away, King Koopa gave a hand signal. The Koopa Troopas freed Donkey Kong. They kept their swords out. Donkey Kong didn't attack. He ran away. Within the hour, he found Wifey and Junior hiding in a cave on a hill.

"Are they gone?" Junior asked.

"No. Their king wants me to give them something."

"What?" Wifey asked.

"I don't want to say in front of our child. It is something that I will be ashamed of. But I must bring it to the king if I want them to leave. I want don't want them to harm our family or any other ape."

"If you do this, will they give us back our son and daughter-in-law?"

"I hope so. We made the deal."

"Where will you go?" Junior asked.

"I can't get across the water. I can only enter another world."

"How?"

"The Crystal Coconut. I hid it in a secret tunnel a while ago. I just need say the words and bring it to the right spot."

"Be careful, dear," Wifey said.

"I will try."

When night fell, Donkey Kong snuck around the island. He did not want the Koopa Troopas to see him. He found the secret stone tunnel behind a giant bush by a pool. He went walked inside for several minuted until he reached a certain corner. He dug into the ground and uncovered the Crystal Coconut. As the name would imply, it was a coconut-shaped crystal. He clutched it tightly with both hands as he said the words that he need to say.

"Crystal Coconut of the Kong Kingdom, guide me to a world different from this. If you guide me to the right place, there will be a smile on my face. Use the power of your light. See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Only goodness can give me guidence."

The Crystal Coconut shined it's white light. It grew brighter and brighter until the whole tunnel was filled with white light. Donkey Kong could see nothing but whiteness. After a few seconds, he saw darkness. It was not, however, total darkness. He could feel the smelly water beneath his feet. He was in a sewer. He walked around until he found a horizontal hole through which he could see vehicles moving on the street. One vehicle parked next to the hole. A human male with a large trench coat and a hat came out. Donkey Kong made an ape sound.

"What the hell?"

The man got close to the hole. Donkey Kong pulled the coat off of him and took it. The man bent down and looked inside. Donkey Kong was able to acquire the hat.

"Hey! Give that back!"


End file.
